What a day...... Seems like every day she's more and more lost and instead of moving closer to her when she needs it I move away. Finally sat myself down with her and did some more EFT. It always helps, if only for a few hours and yet I find it hard to give to her.... Trouble is, with this blog, the experience is so huge and complex and when I finally put her to bed and sit down here to write  I'm KNACKERED and I can't find the words. The key to this game is acceptance. Such an easy word. such a simple notion. But it's SO hard to do.

She didn't really know where she was tonight.

I'm glad she came. I really do have a far better understanding of Sister Pea and Aunty C's exhaustion now. It's not hard physically to look after her, not yet, though she almost couldn't get out of the bath the other day and I saw that I wouldn't/won't be able to do it at all.... but emotionally it's a killer. Tonight she forgot how to knit. She kind of got it back because the body remembers but it was awful, just awful to see her forgot and to see that maybe soon knitting will be a lost art for her. So, as everyone who's done this journey knows, You get used to one bit, you learn how to and then you start all over again when the next thing goes and as far as I can see it doesn't ever get easier. 

This is us doing the jigsaw. She can't really do them anymore. I keep leaving little bit's in the rightish place for her to find....

Oh yes... the title. She is so much happier when I love her and it is such an enormous effort to get to that place. I have turned into the most bossy and bullying person... James pulled me up today... I can't remember exactly what I said but he said " But her ears still work" and I said " I'm assuming it doesn't mean anything to her" He said "Well that's wrong and that sounds like you think you can't help her" and I said with tears in my eyes " I don't think I can" and he said quite stroppy " well this isn't how you started....."

This isn't how I started. I was all full of hope. And she did seem and feel better after 2 weeks and now ....

feeling defeated.