Carole's posterous

Birmingham

Dscf0976

This is Mum at her place. I spent a few days... it was much harder there. I totally ran out of patience and she tried 3 times to blow us up with her gas fire.

 Indescribably gloomy I am right now. Got a lot of crying to do I suspect but it's all stuck for now.

 Been back a few days and things aren't exactly rosy here either.

Is it possible to explode with gloom? 

Can you tell which bit Mum did.....

Dscf0921

Horrible day today. Frazzled and moaning at her every other millisecond and moaning at myself for doing it.
She's Knitting a scarf for me and at the end of every row she has the same confusion... "So.... What? ... Do I just keep going? It's not very wide, it keeps rolling up, How far should I go? What about this bit?" Sure I could go on and on and on but I'm too tired.

Taking her home friday. Had to tell her about 20 times in half an hour this morning. Almost lost my MIND.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH.

Love

Dscf0910_2

What a day...... Seems like every day she's more and more lost and instead of moving closer to her when she needs it I move away. Finally sat myself down with her and did some more EFT. It always helps, if only for a few hours and yet I find it hard to give to her.... Trouble is, with this blog, the experience is so huge and complex and when I finally put her to bed and sit down here to write  I'm KNACKERED and I can't find the words. The key to this game is acceptance. Such an easy word. such a simple notion. But it's SO hard to do.

She didn't really know where she was tonight.

I'm glad she came. I really do have a far better understanding of Sister Pea and Aunty C's exhaustion now. It's not hard physically to look after her, not yet, though she almost couldn't get out of the bath the other day and I saw that I wouldn't/won't be able to do it at all.... but emotionally it's a killer. Tonight she forgot how to knit. She kind of got it back because the body remembers but it was awful, just awful to see her forgot and to see that maybe soon knitting will be a lost art for her. So, as everyone who's done this journey knows, You get used to one bit, you learn how to and then you start all over again when the next thing goes and as far as I can see it doesn't ever get easier. 

This is us doing the jigsaw. She can't really do them anymore. I keep leaving little bit's in the rightish place for her to find....

Oh yes... the title. She is so much happier when I love her and it is such an enormous effort to get to that place. I have turned into the most bossy and bullying person... James pulled me up today... I can't remember exactly what I said but he said " But her ears still work" and I said " I'm assuming it doesn't mean anything to her" He said "Well that's wrong and that sounds like you think you can't help her" and I said with tears in my eyes " I don't think I can" and he said quite stroppy " well this isn't how you started....."

This isn't how I started. I was all full of hope. And she did seem and feel better after 2 weeks and now ....

feeling defeated.

Tonight

Dscf0903

I'd just told Mum we are going to take her home on Friday. She was crying and knitting which is funny because when I broke down (yesterdays blog) I was crying and knitting too. Anyway. She tried to put a positive slant on going home, she said " It'll be nice to see Mum, she still lives at Shawsdale Road I think....."
Amazing what you can get used to. I only flinched a tiny bit. 
Her Mum died in the early 80's.

Break Down

Mum

Mum so so so lost today and at dinner tonight when she asked me for probably the 20th time "where's James" I suddenly fell apart. She was very sweet and stroked my hand and said " You'll be alright". 
And then she was standing behind me. Holding her handbag mind you, And I was crying into her chest as she stroked my shoulder, kissed the top of my head and muttered comforting words. 
It was very nice. 

Still crying.

While she was getting ready for Bed I spotted this on my dressing table.
 Mum and Dad at my wedding 20 years ago. She's 2 years younger than me in this picture.

"Who are you Talking to?"

Dscf0868

So I stand on a chair to take this pic and it's slippy in my slippers so I say

"Ooh....slippy"
and she says
 "Who are you talking to?" 
and I say " You of course! who else could I be talking to?" she says " Well, the person in that thing" pointing to camera...... "There's no person in here" says I with eyes like saucers. 

"Well I'm sure someone was talking in there a minute ago...."

 

Arrrrrrgggggghhhh........


Anyway. She's definitely off with the fairies these last 2 days. So many strange thoughts  going through the wreckage of her mind. The above is one of  countless. She hasn't said much that made sense today and boy did she get stuck in a loop. I was doing some EFT with her. and she went round and round about the postman and not wanting to answer the door and every time identical.... 


 Last night a slat broke in her bed again. As luck would have it James got up at midnight and found her. She thought we were out, she was thinking of sleeping on the sofa...(1m wide) Think she'd got dressed and undressed again..... James Bedroom is not on her map which is a relief in a way but if James hadn't woken up I don't know what she would have done. Bed perfectly sleepable in with one slat missing......

"Where was That"?

(download)

"It looks familiar to me"

Says Mum as she looks at herself on the screen being filmed... in a small frail voice.

She was upset this morning because she thought she was going home today. Fuck knows why. Anyway. I did some EFT with her. She seemed better after but she has been pithering (her word) a lot today.
This isn't quite as hard as I thought it would be. Thank GOD I imagined the worst. It is still hard though.
Was thinking today about something a friend said when she came to dinner last week... something about Mum 'presenting so normally' and she does seem to save the weirdnesss for her Daughters.....

Which is something she's been doing for a long time... I remember being shocked and angered once, before we knew she was ill, when she sprang into life in the presence of a Male (Greg) and spoke intelligently and with some wit. "Why the fuck" I thought, "Must she bore us rigid with her mindless inane crap about conversations at the bus stop when she is actually capable....."

Not sure where I'm going with this but hey ho.

Early night tonight....

Texts to Pea

Photo_219

Crap. I got lurgy. Weak as a kitten with paper legs and of course mum is totally thrown and therefore being doubly mental. Just wanted to vent. Asked her if she remembered how to make a cup of tea so she suggests the old teabag in kettle method which she's pretty sure Michaela used to do! I've dragged bed down here so she's not lonely and she says all humble and meek and FUCKIN ANNOYING shall I go to my room get out of your way?. Vent over. Ta. x

and 

Gaaaaah. Just settled myself onto my sick bed after refusing offers of coat and shoes and Mum started to prepare to leave. So I explain again that I've dragged the bloody bed down here so she won't be lonely. So then she thinks I want her to get into bed with me! it feels to me like attention seeking. Sure it's not conscious but when she suggested tea bag in kettle I got the distinct feeling she knew damn well...

We'll never know I suppose. Vent 2 over.
Thanks again x 

Sitting here writing this with Mum on the sofa cuddling a cushion and staring blankly and feebly around the room I feel like this is such a betrayal. To be sitting here publicly publicising her state..... Right under her nose...

Urgh... is that GUILT I'm feeling?